I’ve asked my wife to start writing a weekly update on how Davy is doing (to keep you all informed) and what God is teaching her through the process. Enjoy!
Scott thought it would be a good idea for me to start writing/journaling about the past 18 months or two years really. So here are my first efforts toward that –
In recent months, hurt has started to surface that I didn’t expect. We recently began going to counseling for support as we grieve losing Scott’s mom this past August and to work toward healing from what the past two years have held.
Our counseling sessions have brought a few things to mind and into discussion, but the hurt really was revealed one night on a drive home from a friend’s birthday dinner. Leaving the party I started to reflect on the past year and the year to come as my birthday is also around the corner. As I drove I started to realize how lost I felt. Like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had lost a lot of what made me… “me”. Nothing in my life seems to look like what it did before Davy came along. My hobbies are different. I don’t really have hobbies anymore. Time with friends and community is uncommon in an effort to care for Davy during the RSV and Flu season. I can count how many times I have been to a worship service since she was been born. The list could continue.
When I started to process, it was like a dam broke and sadness washed over me with the intensity and depth of two years of suffering. It was something that felt like it had been there all along but had been kept at bay to continue on each day.
I broke.
I finally saw that I felt as if God had given me more than I could bare, that He cracked and shattered me, and the worst part I felt like He left me to stay there. That I couldn’t be repaired in our circumstance. It could only come when things were really different, months or potentially years away.
I could have argued theological points or scriptures that denied and disproved this thought, but in the deepest part of my heart it was my struggle.
Davy’s time in utero, her NICU journey and then becoming her primary caregiver has changed me. I’m not who I was, spiritually, physically, emotionally, or intellectually. God is making me into someone really different, or new. Who that person is I don’t yet know.
I do know God has not left me or forsaken me and never will (Hebrews 13:5), but the feeling of being broken and shattered hasn’t left. I still feel really lost and alone in the lostness. After talking with Scott, close friends and our counselor I think I will probably feel this way for some time. I can say the hurt and loneliness still exists but the hopelessness and feeling forsaken by God doesn’t. He is making me into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and this is a part of the process. He promises that He is working out all things together for my good (Romans 8:28), even this ambiguous feeling of not knowing who I am anymore or what’s ahead.
For now I try to put one foot in front of the other. I am trying to get back to the basics. Reading my bible more so God’s Word is being poured into my heart and mind. Trying to pray through prayer cards each the day. Going for a run twice a week (something I used to do before Davy). Keeping an open dialogue with Scott and close friends and going from there.
I’ll close with a scripture the Lord brought me to a few weeks back, right when this was all beginning.
Thank you for posting about something so raw and tender. There have been times when I, too, have had to pull away for a time from the familiar and when I return, I find I am different, the familiar is no longer familiar. I will pray God shows you how your strength and faith have inspired many, how they have been a gift for Davy, how you have been Christ-like in your suffering. How the new “you” is still you, rooted in God’s truth and his love.
Praying for you Chelsea. May our God, who grieves with you, guide you to overcome with grief. Thought of this quote from CS Lewis to share with you as I read.
“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” C.S. Lewis
God Bless You- sharing something like this is never easy, especially when it is hard to admit to yourself first. You will become stronger, bolder, softer, gentler, madder, more frustrated, sad, happy, joyous…and all the while God is still in control. Deep inside you, he is guiding you and you will see the light. Hugs sweetie and prayers for all of you.
Well said. I relate a lot to this and think it is discerning and raw (though painful).