I’ve asked my wife to start writing a weekly update on how Davy is doing (to keep you all informed) and what God is teaching her through the process. Enjoy!
Scott thought it would be a good idea for me to start writing/journaling about the past 18 months or two years really. So here are my first efforts toward that –
In recent months, hurt has started to surface that I didn’t expect. We recently began going to counseling for support as we grieve losing Scott’s mom this past August and to work toward healing from what the past two years have held.
Our counseling sessions have brought a few things to mind and into discussion, but the hurt really was revealed one night on a drive home from a friend’s birthday dinner. Leaving the party I started to reflect on the past year and the year to come as my birthday is also around the corner. As I drove I started to realize how lost I felt. Like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had lost a lot of what made me… “me”. Nothing in my life seems to look like what it did before Davy came along. My hobbies are different. I don’t really have hobbies anymore. Time with friends and community is uncommon in an effort to care for Davy during the RSV and Flu season. I can count how many times I have been to a worship service since she was been born. The list could continue.
When I started to process, it was like a dam broke and sadness washed over me with the intensity and depth of two years of suffering. It was something that felt like it had been there all along but had been kept at bay to continue on each day.
I finally saw that I felt as if God had given me more than I could bare, that He cracked and shattered me, and the worst part I felt like He left me to stay there. That I couldn’t be repaired in our circumstance. It could only come when things were really different, months or potentially years away.
I could have argued theological points or scriptures that denied and disproved this thought, but in the deepest part of my heart it was my struggle.
Davy’s time in utero, her NICU journey and then becoming her primary caregiver has changed me. I’m not who I was, spiritually, physically, emotionally, or intellectually. God is making me into someone really different, or new. Who that person is I don’t yet know.
I do know God has not left me or forsaken me and never will (Hebrews 13:5), but the feeling of being broken and shattered hasn’t left. I still feel really lost and alone in the lostness. After talking with Scott, close friends and our counselor I think I will probably feel this way for some time. I can say the hurt and loneliness still exists but the hopelessness and feeling forsaken by God doesn’t. He is making me into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and this is a part of the process. He promises that He is working out all things together for my good (Romans 8:28), even this ambiguous feeling of not knowing who I am anymore or what’s ahead.
For now I try to put one foot in front of the other. I am trying to get back to the basics. Reading my bible more so God’s Word is being poured into my heart and mind. Trying to pray through prayer cards each the day. Going for a run twice a week (something I used to do before Davy). Keeping an open dialogue with Scott and close friends and going from there.
I’ll close with a scripture the Lord brought me to a few weeks back, right when this was all beginning.