I can remember the night lucidly.

Months have passed since that interminable night, but I recall the exhaustion, the tears careening freely down my cheeks, and the desperation of my soul in high definition.

It was night one at the Dell’s Children Hospital NICU. Chelsea was still at Seton Main recovering and I was sitting alone at Davy’s bedside begging that God would give my little girl another day to keep fighting. At that point I had been awake for over 36 hours and delirious, but nothing was going to keep me away from my daughter – even sleep.

I’ve never been so fervent or desperate in prayer as I was that night. During one of my prayers a friend of mine sent me this video.

The lyrics in this song momentarily ceased their mortal qualities and embodied the divine. No, they weren’t the inerrant words of God, but God used the truths in the song to minister to my wounded heart. They strengthened my weak arms and feeble knees. They gently guided my spirit to the Rock, the place of refuge from my distress. They read –

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still more than I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

[Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen.

When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.

Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.]

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

These words drew me to the Lord. John Piper’s sermon clip pointed me back to Truth. This affliction – a daughter fighting for her life, the hospital, the tears, the worry, the fear, the heartbreak – all of it – was light, momentary affliction in view of eternity. Every millisecond of my pain, the hurt I felt as I looked at my daughter helplessly, was NOT meaningless. It burst forth with purpose. All of it was working for Chelsea, myself and everyone involved an eternal weight of glory.

From that moment I decided that I would preach that truth every day to myself. I would preach it incessantly until my heart sung with confidence that I was created new by the Spirit and cared for by my Heavenly Father, even in the midst of trial and suffering.

That night I gave my daughter’s life to the Lord. It was His already, but I had to tangibly let go of control in my mind. I sung out through my tears, “Though you slay me, yet I will praise you”. I cried out through the hurt and fear, “God, whether my daughter makes it through this night or not I will still praise you”.

Lastly, I ended my prayer speaking softly these lyrics:

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

No matter what you are going through I pray that this song would minister to you as it did to me. If you aren’t going through suffering, take these truths and store them up in your heart for the days of suffering that await us all. In the end, I hope that if you are in Christ you realize that your heart and flesh will fail, the earth will give way below, but with your eyes you’ll see the Lord one day. On that day he will be lifted high and exalted. You will see the Lamb who has been slain and you will know, without a shadow of a doubt, that every tear was worth it all.

Davy Update and Prayer Requests

Davy has been struggling a little recently. She still is doing exponentially better than where we have been in the past, but we’ve hit a standstill for some reason. She has been throwing up a lot recently and they haven’t figured out the reason why. She’s at a stalemate with her oxygen support and hasn’t been able to go much lower.

• Stomach – Pray that Davy’s stomach would start working properly and digesting food well. This is one of the biggest hindrances at this point.
• Lungs – Pray that God would breath into Davy’s lungs and make them stronger and in need of less support.
• Our Far More Prayer – This one is crazy – or at least we’re being told it’s kind of crazy. We are praying Davy is home by Christmas without a Gtube or tracheostomy. We’re being told that this isn’t very likely, but our God is in the business of performing miracles as we’ve seen time and time again. My hope isn’t bound up in answered prayers, but in the ONE who answers them; therefore, we can ask freely without being devastated if they are answered in a different way than expected.