Yesterday I was angry with God.
I was tired, overwhelmed, and sick of seeing my precious girl confined to a hospital bed for the 78th day. My mind burdened my heart with questions like, “How much more of this can you take?”, “Why hasn’t God healed her yet?” and “Are you sure she’s actually going to get better”? These questions sank into my heart acutely like lead, weighing down my spirit.
However, I was hesitant to take these emotions to God. Why?
I was hesitant because I knew the right answers and the right emotions I was “supposed” to have. I have had great mentors who have poured the truth of the Scripture into my life, I have read and listened to some of the best minds talk about the purpose of suffering, and I know that as a Christian I’m called to walk in joy in all situations. By “knowing” these things I felt as if I had to suppress my true emotions.
I was hesitant because I feared that if I took my emotions to God he would decide to not heal Davy. There are moments that I feel as if God is a Father with whom I have fragile relationship. When I’m consistent with the spiritual disciplines, fighting sin, and walking out my faith I believe that He’s pleased with me and will bless me. When I’m not spending consistent time with Him, overcome with sin and not living out my faith I think that He’s disappointed with me and won’t want anything to do with me.
As I was dealing with these thoughts God was gracious enough to speak kindly to my heart through His word.
First, He reminded me I can bring all my emotions before Him even if they are opposite of what I know or how I’m supposed to feel. No one would doubt that King David knew the right answers or the right emotions he was supposed to have, he was said to have more “wisdom than aged” (Psalm 119:99), but that didn’t keep him from bringing the full breadth of his emotion before God. In the Psalms, we see David bring the emotion of lament (Psalm 12), praise (Psalm 145), thanksgiving (Psalm 30), and even curses (Psalm 109).
Second, He reminded me that He loves me unconditionally and nothing can separate me from his love – even my angry emotions or sin. Romans 8:38-39 states that “neither death nor life, nor angels nor rules, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” NOTHING – I repeat – NOTHING can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. It’s religion that says – if you’re obedient then you’ll be loved and receive blessing, but if you mess up it can all be taken away from you. The gospel says – you are fully loved and have already been blessed with all spiritual blessings and nothing can separate you from that love. THAT’S GOOD NEWS PEOPLE! So I don’t have to fear that God won’t heal Davy due to my sin because all that God does flows out of His perfect and holy character, it’s not dependent upon on the actions of his people. No matter what happens – healing or not – it won’t be because of my actions, but because He has specific purpose for my life and Davy’s that beyond my comprehension (Isa. 46:10).
Therefore, whenever we’re struggling with sin, or angry emotion towards God, we can take it to Him without fear of being rejected. I never want Davy to ever feel that she can’t bring all of her emotion to her daddy to talk through it – even if she’s mad at me. I want her to know that I will love her unconditionally no matter the struggle or emotion. God desires the same thing for His children and we have a cross, a crucified Savior and His word to remind us of that truth.
So when you are struggling, the gospel frees you to bring your REAL emotions to God, not just the one’s your “supposed” to have.
Davy Update & Prayer Request
Davy girl has had a relatively quiet weekend. She continues to fight off infection and is being weaned from all her medicine, which continues to be a daily struggle for her at this point. Her lungs are struggling a little bit due to fluid build up, but she is continuing to make steady progress.
- PDA – The biggest prayer request is that we’re asking God to miraculously close Davy’s PDA valve (you can read about what the PDA valve is here). If it doesn’t close they will have to do a procedure to go in and close it manually. It’s not the worse thing in the world to have this procedure done, but Davy has already gone through so much and I would love for not to have to go through it.
- Jacob – Be praying for baby Jacob (one of Davy’s NICU friends!) who has surgery on his stomach this Thursday. Pray that God repair Jacob through the hands of his medical team.
- Austin – This is a praise and prayer request. One of the NICU families that we know and love are getting to go home! You’ve all prayed for Austin multiple times and those prayers have been fully answered. Continue to pray that Alex and Michael (mom and dad) would adjust well to being at home and pray that Austin would have no more complications from his stay at the NICU.