In the NICU it’s easy to get caught up in “hedging your bets” and not allowing yourself to take joy in the small victories. You rationalize the celebratory moments thinking, “don’t get to excited because it can be taken from you in an instant”.
Don’t get to excited about them lowering her medicine because it could be right back up in a matter of minutes. Don’t get your hopes up when she has a good blood gas test because the next one could be terrible. Don’t find to much joy in the fact that her lung has expanded because it could be collapsed the next time they do an x-ray. Or, within the darkest inner workings of my thoughts (I’m trying to be as honest as possible), don’t allow yourself to love this girl radically because God may take her away from you.
As I was at home, recovering from my throat infection, God brought Romans 15:13 to mind. It states, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
The text states that God will fill us up “abounding” in hope by His Spirit through “believing”. In reflection and meditation, it hit me that I didn’t need to “hedge my bets” on God. He is the God of HOPE. I can place all my trust in Him. I can put all my cards on the table. I can go all in because He’s the one that fills me with joy, peace and hope. I don’t experience those traits because I get a good report about my daughter. I experience those traits because God gives them to me through believing and trusting in Him. I can rejoice in the small victories knowing that God will sustain and give me all that I need.
I decided in that moment – no more.
No more hedging my bets. No more holding back. No more allowing celebration worthy moments to pass me by. No more restraining any ounce of abounding love I have for this little girl.
In the spirit of celebration, I would love to celebrate a few moments with all of you. I want to celebrate with you because each of these moments represents an answered prayer and another marker that points to the evidence of God’s lavish grace.
- Davy’s O2 (oxygen support) has gone down.
- The nitric gas that is being used to help expand her blood vessels has gone down exponentially.
- She was able to get off the high frequency ventilator to the conventional ventilator.
- She has fought off infection.
- She has fought off high temperature.
- She has gotten some “tummy time”.
- Daily stabilization of her heart rate and blood pressure.
- Davy being active and alert when at first she was so heavily sedated she couldn’t move.
Then, one of the most excellent gifts we’ve been blessed with to date, is better illustrated through these pictures than my frail words.
These pictures were taken this past weekend when we got the blessing of holding our daughter for the first time in 3 weeks! These are all small victories worth celebrating and I won’t waste any more time not celebrating them. I’ll thank God for what they are – small victories given by the God of hope who fills us with joy and peace no matter the circumstances.
No more holding back. All my chips are in and I’m laying down my cards trusting in the God of hope.
- Davy’s continued progress – Davy has made strides of improvement, as mentioned above, and I would love to see her continue to make leaps and bounds of improvement!
- Care Conference – We have a “care conference” today where we get all the right people into a room together to discuss a plan of action for Davy. Be praying for wisdom for all involved.
- My recovery – I’m still feeling under the weather and the hives won’t seem to go away. Pray that I make a complete recovery soon because not being able to see my daughter in the flesh isn’t going to fly for much longer!