One of the biggest challenges for me during this time might surprise some of you – sleep. I hate going to sleep (all you sleep lovers just let out a collective, audible gasp), but before you make judgements let me explain!
I hate going to sleep because those are moments I’m away from my daughter.
One of our first days in the NICU Davy had her most unstable episode and I stayed awake the whole night so I could be by her side, pray for her and just speak to her in an attempt to comfort. Cognitively I knew in that moment I was unable to help her, but being there next to her through the night eased my conscience.
It’s weird because when I work I have a hard time leaving, but not as hard as when I have to leave to go to sleep. In regards to working, I know that I’m providing for my family and living out my calling to “have dominion over the earth”, but sleeping doesn’t seem like provision – even though rationally I know it attributes to it – and isn’t a calling of mine.
I can control, on some level, the amount of sleep that I need. Ultimately, I would love postpone as much sleep as possible so I could stay up at the hospital longer to be with my baby girl, tell her how beautiful she is for the 5,000th time, and awkwardly partake in “baby talk”.
Turns out you need to sleep or so my doctor told me yesterday as I was getting diagnosed with a viral throat infection and breaking out in hives…good times. Disclaimer: For the sake of honesty I’ve never been great at getting sleep and my friends have been telling me for years that I need more of it. As we all know at this point, Frazier stubbornness is intricately woven into my DNA and as history has shown me most of my lessons have been learned the hard way.
The worst part about getting sick and needing sleep is this (outside of not being able to see my daughter for a few days which is the absolute worst) – the acceptance that I’m finite.
I’m often frustrated that all that I will be able to offer my daughter are constrained by the bounds of my finiteness. For the rest of my life, all that I will be able to give my daughter (and everyone else for that matter) can be described this way – finite offerings. Everything that I offer to her will be, in some fashion, limited, restricted, determinate and fixed. That can be a disheartening revelation.
Despite my finite offerings within the confines of this sick and feeble, temporal frame I hold onto this hope for my little girl.
I have to go to sleep because I’m finite, but I will introduce Davy to the infinite One who never sleeps (Psalm 121:3).
I’m unable to look after my daughter every waking hour because I’m finite, but I will introduce Davy to the infinite One who sees His people at all times and upholds them (Psalm 139:1-10).
I will sin against and fail my daughter because I’m finite, but I will introduce Davy to the infinite One who was sinless (Heb. 4:15).
I will get sick because I’m finite, but I will introduce Davy to the infinite One who never gets sick and will one day abolish all sickness (Rev. 21:4).
One day, hopefully when I’m old and gray, I will return to the dust from which I was made because I’m finite, but I will introduce Davy to the infinite One who died once for the sins of the world, but in the end defeated death (1 Cor. 15:54-55).
In this life, my offerings will always be finite, but the best gift I can give to my daughter will be to introduce her to the offerings of the Infinite One whose offerings will be boundless, immeasurable, unlimited and eternal.
Here’s to hoping that my finite offerings will always point to the infinite One.
Updates & Prayer Requests
Davy has had a few good days! She has remained stable and they have been able to wean her medicine down a little bit! Her right lung is looking good and they haven’t had to move her back to the other ventilator! Thanks so much for all of your prayers, especially that her right lung would expand! Here are today’s prayer requests.
- My recovery – I’m going a little selfish with this one, but I absolutely hate being away from daughter. Pray that I would bounce back quickly from this virus.
- Chelsea – Pray that Chelsea wouldn’t get sick and is able to stay as rested as a young mama can be!
- Davy’s Stability – Pray that as the doctors and nurses wean Davy down on her medicine that she would remain stable. At times in the past we’ve weaned and Davy started to struggle, then we’re right back at the beginning.