Davy has had her best 48 hour stint so far, yet as I said in my last post, life in the NICU is one step forward and two steps back. As I sit here and write in the still hours of the morning she is fighting off high fever and a potential infection.
I praise God for his grace and your prayers covering her over those 48 hours where she did well. She went down on her oxygen support and seemed to have been resting well. I’m fighting to stay in the tension where the highs don’t launch me to the heavens and the lows don’t bring me to dust. All the while still praising God for when he gives us momentary reprieve for it is a gift.
(My amazing wife captured this beautiful photo)
The stillness in the NICU was interrupted by a sudden, nervous buzz about the nurses. The doctor informed us that they were bringing a critically sick baby over to have surgery and placing him next door to Davy. My heart grew heavy – a common experience here.
In the thickness of my emotion I began to reflect on my greatest fear in this epoch of my life. This insight was prompted from a conversation I had the other night.
One of my closest friends came up to Dell for a late night coffee run and of course like every close friend, wouldn’t settle for shallow conversation or cookie cutter responses (dang those close friends!). In the midst of our dialogue he asked me point blank, “What is your greatest fear Scott?”
In that split second all the synapses of my brain started firing off trying to craft the perfect response. Do I say something that exudes philosophical depth but lacks substance and seems to suffice in answering the question? Do I say something cheesy and “spiritual” such as, “There’s no fear bro because I’m just letting go and letting God”? Or, do I do embark on something terrifying?
Do I open myself up to be vulnerable?
In vulnerability, we expose and discover new depths within the emotional well of our hearts. In vulnerability, we expose new areas where our hearts can be broken, bruised, and wounded.
I paused – inhaled a terse breath and replied.
“My greatest fear is that my little girl won’t make it.”
My greatest fear is that while I’m at work, sleeping, or running an errand my Davy will take her last breath and I won’t have gotten to say “I love you” to her one last time. Tears filled up my eyes as water fills into a empty glass.
That is my greatest fear.
Vulnerability. Exposure. Tears. Freedom.
The freedom came as we discussed how we remain grounded even in the midst of our fears. Two overarching truths resonated from our time together.
We can fight fear because our God is WITH us.
Isaiah 41:10 states, “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Our God, the Divine Creator of the universe is WITH us. Not only is He with us, but He’s going to strengthen, help and uphold us with his righteous right hand. This is truth we can cement our feet into and will hold us unwaveringly in the midst of circumstance. Our God is WITH us.
We can fight fear because God is in control and we can trust Him.
There is no doubt in my mind that God is in control of all things. The Scripture is littered with references to Him accomplishing his purpose (Isa. 46:10), doing all things according to His will (Dan. 4:35), and holding the world together by the word of his power (Heb. 1:3). Yet, not only we do worship a God who is in control, but we worship a God we can trust. We don’t have an emotionally unstable God like the mythical Greek gods were. We can trust our God because He is good (Luke 18:19), all wise (Rom. 16:27), unchanging (Psalm 102:25-27) and he will do what is just (Gen. 18:25).
I can’t tell you there are moments that I still don’t fear, but I can tell you that I’m continuing to worship and trust our God who is in control and is trustworthy. Little did I know that vulnerability and confession of my greatest fear would ultimately lead me to my greatest hope.
For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth…But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. – Psalm 71:5,14
- Infection Free – Pray that our little Davy would remain infection free through this process.
- Stability in change – They are changing some settings on her vents and reducing some of the medicine and we’re praying that Davy would respond well and remain stable in the process.
- Davy’s NICU neighbor – I’m not sure of the name of the baby next door to us, but would you please be interceding on their behalf? They are still critically sick and I’m praying that God would work a miracle.