My Greatest Fear and Greatest Hope

Davy has had her best 48 hour stint so far, yet as I said in my last post, life in the NICU is one step forward and two steps back. As I sit here and write in the still hours of the morning she is fighting off high fever and a potential infection.

I praise God for his grace and your prayers covering her over those 48 hours where she did well. She went down on her oxygen support and seemed to have been resting well. I’m fighting to stay in the tension where the highs don’t launch me to the heavens and the lows don’t bring me to dust. All the while still praising God for when he gives us momentary reprieve for it is a gift.

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(My amazing wife captured this beautiful photo)

The stillness in the NICU was interrupted by a sudden, nervous buzz about the nurses.  The doctor informed us that they were bringing a critically sick baby over to have surgery and placing him next door to Davy. My heart grew heavy – a common experience here.

In the thickness of my emotion I began to reflect on my greatest fear in this epoch of my life. This insight was prompted from a conversation I had the other night.

One of my closest friends came up to Dell for a late night coffee run and of course like every close friend, wouldn’t settle for shallow conversation or cookie cutter responses (dang those close friends!). In the midst of our dialogue he asked me point blank, “What is your greatest fear Scott?”

In that split second all the synapses of my brain started firing off trying to craft the perfect response. Do I say something that exudes philosophical depth but lacks substance and seems to suffice in answering the question? Do I say something cheesy and “spiritual” such as, “There’s no fear bro because I’m just letting go and letting God”?  Or, do I do embark on something terrifying?

Do I open myself up to be vulnerable?

In vulnerability, we expose and discover new depths within the emotional well of our hearts. In vulnerability, we expose new areas where our hearts can be broken, bruised, and wounded.

I paused – inhaled a terse breath and replied.

“My greatest fear is that my little girl won’t make it.”

My greatest fear is that while I’m at work, sleeping, or running an errand my Davy will take her last breath and I won’t have gotten to say “I love you” to her one last time. Tears filled up my eyes as water fills into a empty glass.

That is my greatest fear.

Vulnerability. Exposure. Tears. Freedom.

The freedom came as we discussed how we remain grounded even in the midst of our fears. Two overarching truths resonated from our time together.

We can fight fear because our God is WITH us.

Isaiah 41:10 states, “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Our God, the Divine Creator of the universe is WITH us. Not only is He with us, but He’s going to strengthen, help and uphold us with his righteous right hand. This is truth we can cement our feet into and will hold us unwaveringly in the midst of circumstance. Our God is WITH us.

We can fight fear because God is in control and we can trust Him.

There is no doubt in my mind that God is in control of all things. The Scripture is littered with references to Him accomplishing his purpose (Isa. 46:10), doing all things according to His will (Dan. 4:35), and holding the world together by the word of his power (Heb. 1:3). Yet, not only we do worship a God who is in control, but we worship a God we can trust. We don’t have an emotionally unstable God like the mythical Greek gods were. We can trust our God because He is good (Luke 18:19), all wise (Rom. 16:27), unchanging (Psalm 102:25-27) and he will do what is just (Gen. 18:25).

I can’t tell you there are moments that I still don’t fear, but I can tell you that I’m continuing to worship and trust our God who is in control and is trustworthy. Little did I know that vulnerability and confession of my greatest fear would ultimately lead me to my greatest hope.

For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth…But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. – Psalm 71:5,14

Prayer Requests

  • Infection Free – Pray that our little Davy would remain infection free through this process.
  • Stability in change – They are changing some settings on her vents and reducing some of the medicine and we’re praying that Davy would respond well and remain stable in the process.
  • Davy’s NICU neighbor – I’m not sure of the name of the baby next door to us, but would you please be interceding on their behalf? They are still critically sick and I’m praying that God would work a miracle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16 thoughts on “My Greatest Fear and Greatest Hope

  1. Scott, your raw and honest emotions have touched me so much! Your faith envelopes me as well! I am thankful for the better 48 hour stint and praying hard that Davy does not have an infection. I also am praying for her lungs to continue to develop and for her to get closer to surgery for a full recovery. I will pray for her neighbor that this child of God makes it. Praying for the family as well. Remember our God is the Great Healer and as my favorite Bible verse states, He yearns to show you compassion. Thank you for sharing. I love you three!

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  2. You and your family are in my thoughts throughout many days. I open up your webpages hoping there are more good days than not. My family and I are sending you and yours good vibes. Stay strong, Scott!

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  3. It is amazing to see such courage and strong faith. My daughter was in the nicu and I was told she had a 2 percent survival rate and a zero percent chance at a normal life. If she even survived. But against all odds she made a miraculous recovery. Her MRI results came back normal and 3 weeks later she was realeased from the nicu and is in perfect health. It is hard to see your child in such a helpless condition but God will never leave your side. He healed my baby girl and I have no doubt he will do the same for your precious daughter. Stay strong. Read to her and never never stop praying or lose hope.

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  4. Father we cry out for your hand to be upon this baby,.mother, father annd grandparents. Lord you knew about this precious baby before time began you have known about the days this baby would live the numbers of hairs on this baby’s head and this babies destiny we ask God for your kingdom come your will be done on earth as it is in heaven in this situation. We decree and we declare life. We break every word curse hex vex spell or incantation that has been spoken written or thought about this family or this baby and we command these words to fall to the ground to produce no fruit. We call for the presence of peace to fall over this family.
    We speak Father that you have your hands upon the situation and we speak life. As your words say in Pslams 118:17 “I shall not die, but LIVE, and declare the works of the Lord!” We speak this over Davy and her little suite mate. LIFE!
    I claim Psalms 91 over them all and I wait with GREAT EXPECTATION of your mighty hand moving on behalf of this family. Your word says that which concerns us concerns you, Father this is our concern that we lay at the feet of Jesus and we will watch and behold the glory of our God in action. In Jesus mighty name Amen!

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  5. I’m a friend of Holley Kitchens (another Ava consultant). I am also a 35 year old premie that was born at 28 weeks 1 lb 8 oz. I was in the NICU for three months. There were many touch and go moments (according to my parents. I do not remember any of it obviously). I have only one lasting minor issue from being a premie. I am a health wife and mother. I pray that your little girl has all the angels she needs to pull her through. Hugs and prayers from one premie survivor to another.
    Blessings,
    Cindy

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